FAQ's about the Freedom to Marry

Frequently Asked Questions About The Freedom To Marry
(Source: Let California Ring is a project of Equality California Institute, working in a diverse coalition of over 60 national, state and local organizations. www.LetCaliforniaRing.org)

Talking about marriage can be challenging and even a little scary. It brings up a lot of strong feelings for people. The freedom to marry isn’t just about the legal right to marry but about the opportunity to celebrate love and commitment in a supporting, understanding, and accepting society.

Here are some common questions and some effective answers. And remember, the best and most memorable answers are real stories and examples, not statistics or numbers.

Can’t gay people already get married? Can’t you go to Canada? Or Massachusetts?

That’s a good question. I live here. My home is here. My family, my friends, my support system is here. And if I were to get married in Massachusetts or Canada it wouldn’t be recognized in the state of California.

I hope to get married someday soon in California. Each of us deserves to be treated fairly and have the same chance to realize our hopes and dreams. If two people want the responsibility and commitment of marriage, it’s no business of government to tell them they can’t marry, whether they are gay or straight.

Why do gays and lesbians want marriage? Do they really need it?
Can’t couples go to a lawyer to secure all the rights they need?

Without marriage, gay and lesbian couples can only put in place a few basic arrangements, such as naming each other in a will or a power of attorney. And even these remain vulnerable to challenges in court by disgruntled family members.

For example, when a gay or lesbian person gets seriously ill, nothing can make their partner eligible to take leave from work under the federal Family and Medical Leave Act because that law applies only to married couples. When a gay or lesbian person dies, because they are “unmarried” in the eyes of the law, the surviving partner can not receive Social Security survivor benefits or the right to inherit a retirement plan without severe tax burdens.

Aren’t domestic partnerships enough?

You’re right, California does provide domestic partnerships. While they provide some benefits, they don't provide the same security as marriage. They exist to as a way to get people some rights until everyone has the freedom to marry. As helpful as they may be, domestic partnerships still exclude people from marriage and result in create a two-tiered system at odds with the principle that separate is not equal. Domestic partnerships treat people as second class citizens.

Two people in a committed, loving, trusted relationship deserve the honor and support that only come with marriage. Please support the freedom to marry.

It just doesn’t seem right

Marriage brings up a lot of strong feelings. However strongly we feel, it’s not our place to judge other people.

Even if we disagree on marriage that doesn’t mean it should be illegal. Let’s not shut some people out of marriage. Two people in a committed, trusting and loving relationship deserve the honor and support that come with marriage.

My religion says it’s wrong, that marriage is between a man and a woman.

It sounds like you have very deeply held beliefs; I respect that. To let you know, what we’re out talking about today would not force any church to marry anyone they don’t want to. Let California Ring is about civil marriage.

Even if we disagree on marriage that doesn’t mean it should be illegal. It is not for us to judge other people. People should be able to have different beliefs and still be treated fairly.

Letting gay people get married would be like saying being gay is ok.

I’m hearing that you are concerned that the freedom to marry would really be like an endorsement.

Think about it this way: people should be able to have different beliefs and still be treated fairly. Even if we disagree on marriage that doesn’t mean it should be illegal. It is not for us to judge other people.

Think about it--what if you were told that you couldn’t marry or do something that was personally and profoundly important to you? How would that make you feel, change your relationship, your future plans, your life?

This issue just doesn’t affect me

I hear that you may feel that way. But now you know me, and I’m telling you it does affect me (or my friends/family/loved ones). I am asking you to think about this issue.

Each of us deserves to be treated fairly. Let’s not close the door on marriage for some people.