Duffy and Lisa's Blog: Open Letter to Family and Friends

"First they came for the Communist,

but I was not a Communist so I did not speak out.

Then they came for the Socialists and the Trade Unionists,

but I was neither, so I did not speak out.

Then they came for the Jews,

but I was not a Jew so I did not speak out.

And when they came for me,

there was no one left to speak out for me."

Martin Niemöller

Dear Family & Friends;

This is an open letter to those we love – many of you attended our wedding (one of the three…), worried and celebrated with us through the adoption of our son – and all in just a few short loving years.

Now we continue down this long and enlightening path to share another milestone in our family's life. Unfortunately, it is a dark turn along the path, one in which may be overgrown and difficult to navigate. As you all may know by now, a very heavily funded battle occurred in California (over $70 million in funding) about eliminating the rights of families like ours to marry. It was called proposition 8 and proposed to eliminate the rights of gay people to marry.

Perhaps the saddest part of this was sitting in front of the television on election day, we saw that Barack Obama won the presidency by a landslide. The joy was overwhelming, the moment sincere and moving. Yet just minutes afterwards we learned in horror that proposition 8 (fondly named proposition hate in our circles) was likely to pass – eliminating the right for gay people to marry.

So it is with open honesty that we feel the need to share our truth and our story. First we feel cheated of the ability to continue celebrating the monumental shift in the presidency. Instead, we are angry and moved to action. This is our family that Proposition 8 impacts, these are our rights being taken away, this is our son's future. We are no different than any other family, we work hard, we pay taxes, we love our child more than anything in the world, we care about others in our community and we want a better future for our son and all children.

It's just marriage – that's not a big deal, is it?

Several people who voted against our rights have been quoted as saying, " I was raised to believe that marriage is between a man and a woman, I think gay people should have rights, just not be married", "They have civil unions so what's the problem", "I am glad it's over, the voters have decided, I hope there are no hard feelings…"

Separate is not equal. Being able to marry and access the civil liberties and social benefits would have prevented each of these experiences for us:

- Soon after Alec arrived home in October of 2007, he became ill. We had no physician to call and ask if our infant son was going to be ok. Why when Lisa works for the largest non-profit health insurance company in the US? Because policies are too difficult to navigate since we were not married (even though we were domestic partners). It took 6 months and a call to the most senior executives to be sure our family had health insurance.

- If one of us dies, neither of us could collect the federal social security benefit THAT WE PAID to the United States.

- When Lisa was being considered for a promotion at a Healthcare System in VT, the leader told staff she didn't want to choose Lisa because she was gay. Lisa was given the job, only after a staff member threatened to quit if she was not hired.

- When hired by a Texas health care company, Lisa innocently asked HR if they had benefits for her family. The response, "No but don't forget about the bonuses you get" (to which she pondered: do I get "gay" bonuses that straight people don't?)

- Again at the same Texas company, it looked like gay marriage in VT would pass so Lisa innocently went to the director of benefits to see whether the company would provide health benefits for her family. The question Lisa asked, "So if gay marriage passes in VT and this company's benefits program says married people can have benefits, then my family will be covered, right? Human Resources reply: "We will rewrite the wording so that will never happen." (then she proceeded to warn Lisa against trying to sue…there is a precedent in texas about that)

- To date, Duffy has never had access to family health benefits throughout her 18 year career in health care at local, regional and national health care organizations.

It was a Princeton professor on MSNBC last night who said it best. She said people who voted yes on proposition 8 openly and knowingly discriminated against us, but it wasn't just the minority populations. And marriage is the last hurdle for any minority group to achieve truly equal rights – and that fact has been repeated over and over in our society's history.

So, we ask how could our ability to have family insurance benefits, pass on our death benefits if necessary and live peacefully as a family ever threaten any other family's values and marital status? What are they really afraid of? Perhaps it is learning that we are part of nearly every community in this country and, if we are "normalized", the mirror would need to turn on these individuals and their own fears and insecurities.

"First they ignored us, then they laughed at us, then they fought us, then we won" ...... Gandhi

So what are we doing about this as a family?

We quickly realized that we are part of the problem, too. We live our life openly and honestly and help people around us. We defend the rights of others because we expect that in return if we need support. And we donated money and encouraged family and friends to do the same so we could defeat proposition 8 in the polls. But sadly, none of that was enough – the power of the Christian conservatives and the multimillion dollar funding from the Mormon Church supported a very organized church-led campaign.

No oppressed community in the history of the world has ever been handed their rights – they have had to fight for them. And, perhaps a little late, we are angry and moved to action. Last night we marched with 5000 friends, family and supporters of our rights. The mood was angry and filled with conviction to fight for our rights. Perhaps the notion was symbolized by a sign that read "No more

Mr. Nice Gay".

To those who think life will go back to "normal" and hope that our feelings aren't hurt, they will not get their wish. We will not hide, go back in anybody's closet or feel badly about who we are: a very fortunate, vibrant, loving family. Alec deserves to understand that ours is just another type of family that wants him to be a vibrant, educated and empathetic human being – who would never think of oppressing any other community. We plan to continue to demonstrate, tell our story and defend our LEGAL marriage as a constitutional right in the courts if necessary.

So what can I do about this as someone who loves Duffy, Lisa and Alec?

We know you love us and we are forever propelled by your support. Realizing that you may feel as frustrated and helpless as we do, here are a few simple things that you can do to help us and other friends:

- Tell EVERYONE who will listen our story, and how you feel. Learn the facts behind the results of discrimination and help dispel the myths when others talk about this issue in social gatherings.

- Continue to be you – we have come so far as a society – remember that 48% of voters SUPPORTED our rights. We have never been much for popularity contest, but 48% is progress and tremendous support.

- Donate money to the cause – it is likely that we will need to fight personally to remain married since it was constitutional until the vote. Nothing in proposition 8 has a retroactivity clause so they may try to say our marriage is annulled which is unconstitutional

- Continue to support underserved and oppressed communities, dispel comments that seem off or socially unacceptable. We need to support others who can't speak for themselves because we are a whole society and the people who are taking our rights away want us to perpetuate an underclass and fight amongst each other so they can feel superior and in control

- Keep loving each other because that's all that really matters.