Courage Campaign: Don't Divorce Us

http://vimeo.com/3089746">"Fidelity ": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on http://vimeo.com">Vimeo >.

A Day in the Life...and Proposition 8

Today we were cooking dinner and watching "Dora the Explorer" with our 2 year old son. You see, our life is ordinary, and we love every minute. Yet it is an incredibly difficult time. People we know and thousands we don't are not only losing their jobs but are also worried about the increasing risk of their ability to keep their families whole.

This is the age of out of touch executives, wealthy bankers, and others literally stealing the money of people they know and don't know - while charitable organizations lose their ability to help others and real people we know and love worry about retiring. How in the world does our issue of the right to marry hold any relevance in this context. And how do we, just a single income family with a typical 2 year old, ever make a difference.

Well it all comes to a vortex with the reality that the very people who abused capitalism for personal gain also dominate the conservative mindset that is funding the defense of proposition 8. This is a California state constitutional amendment that defines marriage as between a man and a woman, thus discriminating against same sex couples. It is no accident that the attorney defending this is Kenneth Starr, who happens to also be defending Blackwater, the private company in Iraq that killed Iraqi civilians...can anyone remember Haliburton and, of course, Dick Cheney?

Back to the real world and day to day life here. So, those who want to maintain, and abuse their power over the masses are spending inordinate amounts of money to try and defend proposition 8. Why when the global society is in such crisis? Well perhaps fighting against an "invisible" enemy such as homosexuality and gay marriage can actually distract people from the true enemy of society - the very few people who have both money and power.

We know for sure just two things - we don't have lots of money and our only power is in being who we are, sharing our story and helping others who may not know us that we are you.

To all families from California, to Kansas to New York - we are struggling with the same things you are - how do we really get our 2 year old potty trained? Wow, the cartoons are very different now - Dora and her friends just cleaned up the entire ocean! We are filled with hope for the future and also very based in the reality of our times.

To all gay and lesbian people across the country - we are like you, too. We struggle to help everyone understand that we are no different than any other family. And for those of you who do not have supportive families or communities- this is for you. You see we do, and we have the love of many around us - family, co-workers and friends. The conservatives want you to feel like you are less than human and its just not true. The fact is in truly enlightened communities where people feel personally secure with themselves there is so much love, respect and equality. We are just people in a community. We can't tell you how many neighbors, friends and strangers have told us of their personal pain that anyone would not want us to have our rights. Just the other day we were walking with our dogs and child, when a neighbor we do not know stopped to tell us her story - How she as a straight, married woman with kids, is heartbroken that her best friend and female partner of 16 years were forced to move out of their Montana community because they are gay. Local citizens actually tried to burn their house down to make them leave town.

We have been overwhelmed with calls and e-mails from many friends wanting to know what they can do to help this injustice. We always say 1) if you can give money, then do; and 2) tell everyone you know our story and the story of other gay couples and families fighting for their rights.

So, on Monday March 2 the California senate and assembly will vote on a proposal to overturn proposition 8. And on Thursday March 5 the state supreme court will begin hearing the arguments for and against proposition 8. We plan to participate in a candle light vigil this week because it is all we can do. And encourage everyone to watch the video on our blog called the "Courage Campaign" video. Those who are bigoted do not own spirituality nor religion so we ask everyone who we reach through this blog to pray on Wednesday March 4 for the support of the rights of our family and prevent California from divorcing us against our will and keeping our son's family intact in these amazingly difficult times.

And as Gandhi once said, "Be the change you want to see in the world" and "An unjust law in its own right is a species of violence".

With deep love and respect,
Duffy & Lisa

FAQ's about the Freedom to Marry

Frequently Asked Questions About The Freedom To Marry
(Source: Let California Ring is a project of Equality California Institute, working in a diverse coalition of over 60 national, state and local organizations. www.LetCaliforniaRing.org)

Talking about marriage can be challenging and even a little scary. It brings up a lot of strong feelings for people. The freedom to marry isn’t just about the legal right to marry but about the opportunity to celebrate love and commitment in a supporting, understanding, and accepting society.

Here are some common questions and some effective answers. And remember, the best and most memorable answers are real stories and examples, not statistics or numbers.

Can’t gay people already get married? Can’t you go to Canada? Or Massachusetts?

That’s a good question. I live here. My home is here. My family, my friends, my support system is here. And if I were to get married in Massachusetts or Canada it wouldn’t be recognized in the state of California.

I hope to get married someday soon in California. Each of us deserves to be treated fairly and have the same chance to realize our hopes and dreams. If two people want the responsibility and commitment of marriage, it’s no business of government to tell them they can’t marry, whether they are gay or straight.

Why do gays and lesbians want marriage? Do they really need it?
Can’t couples go to a lawyer to secure all the rights they need?

Without marriage, gay and lesbian couples can only put in place a few basic arrangements, such as naming each other in a will or a power of attorney. And even these remain vulnerable to challenges in court by disgruntled family members.

For example, when a gay or lesbian person gets seriously ill, nothing can make their partner eligible to take leave from work under the federal Family and Medical Leave Act because that law applies only to married couples. When a gay or lesbian person dies, because they are “unmarried” in the eyes of the law, the surviving partner can not receive Social Security survivor benefits or the right to inherit a retirement plan without severe tax burdens.

Aren’t domestic partnerships enough?

You’re right, California does provide domestic partnerships. While they provide some benefits, they don't provide the same security as marriage. They exist to as a way to get people some rights until everyone has the freedom to marry. As helpful as they may be, domestic partnerships still exclude people from marriage and result in create a two-tiered system at odds with the principle that separate is not equal. Domestic partnerships treat people as second class citizens.

Two people in a committed, loving, trusted relationship deserve the honor and support that only come with marriage. Please support the freedom to marry.

It just doesn’t seem right

Marriage brings up a lot of strong feelings. However strongly we feel, it’s not our place to judge other people.

Even if we disagree on marriage that doesn’t mean it should be illegal. Let’s not shut some people out of marriage. Two people in a committed, trusting and loving relationship deserve the honor and support that come with marriage.

My religion says it’s wrong, that marriage is between a man and a woman.

It sounds like you have very deeply held beliefs; I respect that. To let you know, what we’re out talking about today would not force any church to marry anyone they don’t want to. Let California Ring is about civil marriage.

Even if we disagree on marriage that doesn’t mean it should be illegal. It is not for us to judge other people. People should be able to have different beliefs and still be treated fairly.

Letting gay people get married would be like saying being gay is ok.

I’m hearing that you are concerned that the freedom to marry would really be like an endorsement.

Think about it this way: people should be able to have different beliefs and still be treated fairly. Even if we disagree on marriage that doesn’t mean it should be illegal. It is not for us to judge other people.

Think about it--what if you were told that you couldn’t marry or do something that was personally and profoundly important to you? How would that make you feel, change your relationship, your future plans, your life?

This issue just doesn’t affect me

I hear that you may feel that way. But now you know me, and I’m telling you it does affect me (or my friends/family/loved ones). I am asking you to think about this issue.

Each of us deserves to be treated fairly. Let’s not close the door on marriage for some people.

California Supreme Court Grants Review In Prop 8 Legal Challenges Court to determine constitutionality of Prop 8

(San Francisco, California, November 19, 2008)—Today the California Supreme Court granted review in the legal challenges to Proposition 8, which passed by a narrow margin of 52 percent on November 4. In an order issued today, the Court agreed to hear the case and set an expedited briefing schedule. The Court also denied an immediate stay.

On November 5, 2008, the National Center for Lesbian Rights, the American Civil Liberties Union, and Lambda Legal filed a lawsuit challenging the validity of Proposition 8 in the California Supreme Court on behalf of six couples and Equality California. The City of San Francisco, joined by the City of Los Angeles, the County of Los Angeles, and Santa Clara County, filed a similar challenge, as did a private attorney in Los Angeles.

The lawsuits allege that, on its face, Proposition 8 is an improper revision rather than an amendment of the California Constitution because, in its very title, which was “Eliminates the right to marry for same-sex couples,” the initiative eliminated an existing right only for a targeted minority. If permitted to stand, Proposition 8 would be the first time an initiative has successfully been used to change the California Constitution to take away an existing right only for a particular group. Such a change would defeat the very purpose of a constitution and fundamentally alter the role of the courts in protecting minority rights. According to the California Constitution, such a serious revision of our state Constitution cannot be enacted through a simple majority vote, but must first be approved by two-thirds of the Legislature.

Since the three lawsuits submitted on November 5, three other lawsuits challenging Proposition 8 have been filed. In a petition filed on November 14, 2008, leading African American, Latino, and Asian American groups argued that Proposition 8 threatens the equal protection rights of all Californians.

On November 17, 2008, the California Council of Churches and other religious leaders and faith organizations representing millions of members statewide, also filed a petition asserting that Proposition 8 poses a severe threat to the guarantee of equal protection for all, and was not enacted through the constitutionally required process for such a dramatic change to the California Constitution. On the same day, prominent California women’s rights organizations filed a petition asking the Court to invalidate Proposition 8 because of its potentially disastrous implications for women and other groups that face discrimination.

In May of 2008, the California Supreme Court held that barring same-sex couples from marriage violates the equal protection clause of the California Constitution and violates the fundamental right to marry. Proposition 8 would completely eliminate the right to marry only for same-sex couples. No other initiative has ever successfully changed the California Constitution to take away a right only from a targeted minority group.

Over the past 100 years, the California Supreme Court has heard nine cases challenging either legislative enactments or initiatives as invalid revisions of the California Constitution. In three of those cases, the Court invalidated those measures.

Open Letter to Family and Friends

"First they came for the Communist,

but I was not a Communist so I did not speak out.

Then they came for the Socialists and the Trade Unionists,

but I was neither, so I did not speak out.

Then they came for the Jews,

but I was not a Jew so I did not speak out.

And when they came for me,

there was no one left to speak out for me."

Martin Niemöller

Dear Family & Friends;

This is an open letter to those we love – many of you attended our wedding (one of the three…), worried and celebrated with us through the adoption of our son – and all in just a few short loving years.

Now we continue down this long and enlightening path to share another milestone in our family's life. Unfortunately, it is a dark turn along the path, one in which may be overgrown and difficult to navigate. As you all may know by now, a very heavily funded battle occurred in California (over $70 million in funding) about eliminating the rights of families like ours to marry. It was called proposition 8 and proposed to eliminate the rights of gay people to marry.

Perhaps the saddest part of this was sitting in front of the television on election day, we saw that Barack Obama won the presidency by a landslide. The joy was overwhelming, the moment sincere and moving. Yet just minutes afterwards we learned in horror that proposition 8 (fondly named proposition hate in our circles) was likely to pass – eliminating the right for gay people to marry.

So it is with open honesty that we feel the need to share our truth and our story. First we feel cheated of the ability to continue celebrating the monumental shift in the presidency. Instead, we are angry and moved to action. This is our family that Proposition 8 impacts, these are our rights being taken away, this is our son's future. We are no different than any other family, we work hard, we pay taxes, we love our child more than anything in the world, we care about others in our community and we want a better future for our son and all children.

It's just marriage – that's not a big deal, is it?

Several people who voted against our rights have been quoted as saying, " I was raised to believe that marriage is between a man and a woman, I think gay people should have rights, just not be married", "They have civil unions so what's the problem", "I am glad it's over, the voters have decided, I hope there are no hard feelings…"

Separate is not equal. Being able to marry and access the civil liberties and social benefits would have prevented each of these experiences for us:

- Soon after Alec arrived home in October of 2007, he became ill. We had no physician to call and ask if our infant son was going to be ok. Why when Lisa works for the largest non-profit health insurance company in the US? Because policies are too difficult to navigate since we were not married (even though we were domestic partners). It took 6 months and a call to the most senior executives to be sure our family had health insurance.

- If one of us dies, neither of us could collect the federal social security benefit THAT WE PAID to the United States.

- When Lisa was being considered for a promotion at a Healthcare System in VT, the leader told staff she didn't want to choose Lisa because she was gay. Lisa was given the job, only after a staff member threatened to quit if she was not hired.

- When hired by a Texas health care company, Lisa innocently asked HR if they had benefits for her family. The response, "No but don't forget about the bonuses you get" (to which she pondered: do I get "gay" bonuses that straight people don't?)

- Again at the same Texas company, it looked like gay marriage in VT would pass so Lisa innocently went to the director of benefits to see whether the company would provide health benefits for her family. The question Lisa asked, "So if gay marriage passes in VT and this company's benefits program says married people can have benefits, then my family will be covered, right? Human Resources reply: "We will rewrite the wording so that will never happen." (then she proceeded to warn Lisa against trying to sue…there is a precedent in texas about that)

- To date, Duffy has never had access to family health benefits throughout her 18 year career in health care at local, regional and national health care organizations.

It was a Princeton professor on MSNBC last night who said it best. She said people who voted yes on proposition 8 openly and knowingly discriminated against us, but it wasn't just the minority populations. And marriage is the last hurdle for any minority group to achieve truly equal rights – and that fact has been repeated over and over in our society's history.

So, we ask how could our ability to have family insurance benefits, pass on our death benefits if necessary and live peacefully as a family ever threaten any other family's values and marital status? What are they really afraid of? Perhaps it is learning that we are part of nearly every community in this country and, if we are "normalized", the mirror would need to turn on these individuals and their own fears and insecurities.

"First they ignored us, then they laughed at us, then they fought us, then we won" ...... Gandhi

So what are we doing about this as a family?

We quickly realized that we are part of the problem, too. We live our life openly and honestly and help people around us. We defend the rights of others because we expect that in return if we need support. And we donated money and encouraged family and friends to do the same so we could defeat proposition 8 in the polls. But sadly, none of that was enough – the power of the Christian conservatives and the multimillion dollar funding from the Mormon Church supported a very organized church-led campaign.

No oppressed community in the history of the world has ever been handed their rights – they have had to fight for them. And, perhaps a little late, we are angry and moved to action. Last night we marched with 5000 friends, family and supporters of our rights. The mood was angry and filled with conviction to fight for our rights. Perhaps the notion was symbolized by a sign that read "No more

Mr. Nice Gay".

To those who think life will go back to "normal" and hope that our feelings aren't hurt, they will not get their wish. We will not hide, go back in anybody's closet or feel badly about who we are: a very fortunate, vibrant, loving family. Alec deserves to understand that ours is just another type of family that wants him to be a vibrant, educated and empathetic human being – who would never think of oppressing any other community. We plan to continue to demonstrate, tell our story and defend our LEGAL marriage as a constitutional right in the courts if necessary.

So what can I do about this as someone who loves Duffy, Lisa and Alec?

We know you love us and we are forever propelled by your support. Realizing that you may feel as frustrated and helpless as we do, here are a few simple things that you can do to help us and other friends:

- Tell EVERYONE who will listen our story, and how you feel. Learn the facts behind the results of discrimination and help dispel the myths when others talk about this issue in social gatherings.

- Continue to be you – we have come so far as a society – remember that 48% of voters SUPPORTED our rights. We have never been much for popularity contest, but 48% is progress and tremendous support.

- Donate money to the cause – it is likely that we will need to fight personally to remain married since it was constitutional until the vote. Nothing in proposition 8 has a retroactivity clause so they may try to say our marriage is annulled which is unconstitutional

- Continue to support underserved and oppressed communities, dispel comments that seem off or socially unacceptable. We need to support others who can't speak for themselves because we are a whole society and the people who are taking our rights away want us to perpetuate an underclass and fight amongst each other so they can feel superior and in control

- Keep loving each other because that's all that really matters.

With lots of love and hope,

Duffy, Lisa and Alec